It's All About ME!

Photo: Tarot.com

“I sure hope I don't get invited to that wedding reception!” I recently thought. What? Who doesn't love a wedding? Whatever could make me feel so repulsed at the thought of getting glammed up and enjoying the glow of happy newlyweds? Why has attending weddings become a dreaded obligation for guests?

“All I care about is my dress and getting great pictures of me in my wedding dress!” I heard the bride-to-be proclaim.  And I was out! 

I know when you were dreaming about your wedding day as an itty bitty, you probably pictured the dress, the cake, your hair and fabulous make-up, a gorgeous groom, walking down the aisle, first dances and you weren't mooning over the hors d'oeuvres, dinner or buffet table. That's perfectly acceptable for your fantasy but when it's time for the real deal, keep in mind that you are throwing a party. What is the point of any party? For the guests to enjoy themselves! For your friends to leave in a blissful cloud, talking about the wonderful food or atmosphere or something that made such an impression on them that your event will be talked about and envied for years!

How would you feel if I was throwing your wedding shower; I spent all my budget on some super-cute threads for the party and I served Cap'N Crunch to your closest friends, future in-laws and mother? How is that any different from making the food (and essentially, guests) at your wedding reception an after-thought?

Welcome, ladies!  Isn't my new blazer ah-maah-zing?  If you're hungry, dig in!

If you haven't been a forgotten guest at an assembly-line wedding reception lately, consider yourself lucky!  Somehow, someone somewhere decided it was just dandy to put the guests on a last priority list and wedding receptions forgot to be fun to attend.  A wedding invitation is now tantamount to an errand in some areas of the country, how sad!  These poor guests open it and think, "Great, now I have to buy a gift, get dressed up to go drop it off and wait in a line for an hour just so I can say hello and if I'm lucky I might get a piece of cake to gulp down before I get outta there.".  Is that what you want for the people you cherish enough to request their presence at your celebration?

I'm not saying you have to break the bank, just be thoughtful about the experience everyone who takes the time to be with you on your wedding day will have. One of the easiest ways to do that is food! If you can make it happen, keep the food coming- with delish appetizers during any downtime for your guests (while the wedding party is taking pictures or arriving from the ceremony location) and remarkable entrees followed by your scrumptious wedding cake. If you don't have oodles of money to throw into your event, no problem, get creative! Come up with one or two dishes for your buffet or passed hors d'oeuvres that make a statement, whether the color of your fare perfectly matches your décor or is a fun reflection of the bride and groom's style. Don't be shy; if you love barbeque, Thai food or nachos, ask your caterer to re-imagine your fave recipes and give your guests a taste of who you are.

In addition to fun stuff to nosh, think of unique ways to keep your guests engaged- there are tons of options these days from photobooths to candy-bars. If you're extroverts, have a blast on the dance floor with some of the cheesy, latest dances- try teaching your father-in-law to Dougie! If you're a quiet couple, have some of your preferred downtime activities available for your guests to explore- crossword puzzles at each table or a few games of chess scattered throughout your space.

When you remember your guests while planning a day to dazzle, your bash will not only be a highlight for you but an event that everyone who was lucky enough to attend will try to top and recreate!  No one will invite you to a boring reception after you set the standard waaaay up there ;)

To Be Or Not To To Be...A Bridesmaid

Dear Deon,
One of my bridesmaids called me today to complain.  She is upset that I asked my bridesmaids to pay for their own shoes ($40) that will be dyed to match the dresses that my parents paid for.  She told me that purchasing her own plane ticket to be here and paying for her shoes is a burden.  I want my friend to be in my wedding party but I am already paying for so much and none of the other bridesmaids thought paying for their shoes was a big deal.  Do I pay for this one friend and hope no one else finds out?
-Shocked over Shoes

Shocked over Shoes,
Traditionally, accepting the role of bridesmaid meant agreeing to purchase your dress, shoes and accessories as well as throwing a shower for the bride, buying a wedding gift and providing your own way to and from the location of the event.  Traditions evolve, however and across the country there are differences with each region.  It sounds like your vicinity has absorbed the cost of the attendants' wedding attire into the bride's family expenses.  Your bridesmaids may not know how good they have it!  
Friends and finances make for tough conversations so use kind tones and make this conversation as personal as possible- over the phone if you cannot meet face to face and absolutely no texts!  I would let this bothered bridesmaid know that you cherish the relationship you two have and that nothing would make you happier than to have her in your wedding party.  Follow up with the fact that you understand taking on the role of bridesmaid does entail some financial obligations and if that is too much for her at this time and she needs to decline your offer to involve her in your wedding, that you assure her your friendship will remain unaffected.  
You have enough budgeting and stress to deal with, give your girlfriend the opportunity to step up and accept this grown-up responsibility with a grown-up attitude or gracefully withdraw.  Now, move on to the next wedding hurdle- how many tiers will your wedding cake have, darling?
Wishing you every happiness,
Deon

Wedding Day Regrets

Read Ours and Avoid Having Your Own!

I wish my hair didn't look so dumb. I wish my dress wasn't too big. I wish I didn't have such a big reception. While hanging out with some girlfriends recently, we chatted about our wedding days and it seems every bride has a few regrets, woulda coulda shouldas mixed in with all the happy memories. So I complied a list for all you future brides out there in hopes that you can avoid our pain, bad hair days included!

Regret #1- My wedding gown didn't fit right. Too big or too small, it is a bummer when THE DRESS that you only wear for ONE DAY isn't EXACTLY PERFECT! So no matter what, try your dress on around 1 week before the big day and see if any last-minute alterations are needed. Plan and dream all you want but the closer it gets to your day, the more stress you feel (it's inevitable) and some of us lose weight when we stress, some of us gain but almost all women are physically affected by stress. So throw on that gorgeous gown, grab an honest mom, sister or friend and twirl in front of your mirror! Also, I don't care what you plan to lose, how strict or fabulous your diet is- do not order a wedding dress that is too small for you. Order your size and be happy when it needs to be taken in. No one enjoys a grumpy bride in a too-tight dress who can't breathe, feels fat and depressed and won't eat her own wedding cake. You only get to live in this dress for mere hours, enjoy them!

Regret #2- Bad Hair. This is a tough fix because there are so many ways to have bad hair. Regarding bad wedding day hair, I believe the root (yep, hair-pun!) of the problem is trying to look special. You want to look uniquely fabulous on your day, there is nothing wrong with that. The key is practice. Whether you plan to tame those locks yourself or have a friend or professional do your 'do, have a few trial runs and take lots of photos. Then, be honest and be brave! Some brides to be have little experience wearing oodles of make-up and hairspray so they trust the expert they've hired or take mom's word for it and regret forever how weird they looked in all their wedding photos. So have a trial run or two and evaluate those pics for yourself and then speak up for yourself! You should look like you, an extra-special version of you, but still YOU. If you feel the least bit uncomfortable with that girl looking back at you from the photo, try again until you love what you see.

Regret #3- I spent all night in a receiving line. Time for some tough love, ladies. It's a bummer standing in heels, enduring heat, wind, great-grandmothers, etc! But these people are happy for you, they got dressed up to come and celebrate with you. They brought you a lovely gift and they deserve a minute or two of face-time with you. If you don't want to spend hours standing in a receiving line, plan accordingly. Invite less people or give up your leisurely dinner, grab your groom and work the room. Spend a few minutes with every table during the meal and when you've made each guest feel welcome and appreciated, your night is free for dancing, mingling and merriment!

Regret #4- I spent too much time taking photos on my wedding day. While some gorgeous shots of your special day are top priority, thousands of pictures are overwhelming, will clutter your home and suck precious time from the festivities. Be clear with your photographer on your must-have-shots and time constraints. If you're not glued to the idea of the groom not seeing your wedding dress until you walk down the aisle, I strongly recommend having a photo shoot of the bride and groom before the wedding day. You can get some amazing pictures in a much more relaxed setting and schedule and have one less thing to worry about getting done on the big day.

Remember this, future regretters- Something will be less than perfect at your wedding. At the end of the day, if you are married to the person you love most in this world, then it was perfect!

The Proposal

He is on his knee in front of me, a pleading and expectant look in his eyes, shiny ring in hand. He's been acting funny all night and now I realize, he was nervous. He had planned and prepared and despite the glitches the night presented, finally just decided to go for it. He is asking me to marry him!

I have waited for this moment my entire life. I have stressed and cried and imagined and fantasized. My jaw has locked in anticipation, I have seriously had to visit the dentist because my nerves have gotten the best of me and now I can only open my mouth halfway. Finally. It. Is. Here. My moment has arrived; this handsome, smart, hilarious, wonderful guy just proposed to me. The answer has been in my heart for years, I know I'm supposed to say yes. Right this second, however, I want to say no.

Am I having doubts as to the happiness a life with this man will bring me? No. I am pissed at how dumb this proposal is. He took me to a field on Christmas night under the guise of showing me my present- a goat. Seriously, a goat. I don't live in a village hundreds of years ago where goats are a hot commodity by the way, so the prospect of owning a goat has me confused. The fact that I'm standing outside in the snow in 10 degrees has me frustrated. He tells me he's picked out a pack-goat that can carry stuff when we're hiking. I have known this guy for 4 years at this point. During those 4 years, I have been on about 3 hikes, zero of those were with him. Seriously, a goat? He picks up on my not so subtle hints that this is not going well, we ditch the field and head to his house. Things go slightly better there and after saying something vague and nice, he is on his knee. So here we are and I want to say no. I want to tell him he gets a do-over. I know I sound difficult (and I am, for sure!) but what you don't know yet is that he was messing with me. I told him I wanted a white gold band, that the silver look was more important to me than the gem on top. The ring this doofus is holding is gold, with a pearl in the setting. I hate that gold ring and he knows it. In the space of 30 seconds or so, I endure my internal debate- if I say yes, I am stuck with this awful ring for the rest of my life. If I say, “No, try again later.” he might not. We're both a little stubborn ;) or so we've been told. I quickly determine that I love the adorable guy in front of me more than I hate the hideous ring. Feeling like a condemned woman, I resolve to wear that ugly ring every day for the rest of my life. I muster all the enthusiasm possible and with a smile I tell him, “Yes!”. Somehow, like magic, as the ring makes it's way from the box to my finger it has transformed and is now a white gold band with a perfect diamond. See? I told you he was messing with me.

Looking back with the advantage of years of marriage, I realize that this proposal sums up our relationship perfectly. I want everything exactly the way I plan, envision and expect them. The trouble is, no one other than me ever gets it exactly the way I would. My husband has graciously accepted the task of making my standards more realistic by constantly doing everything not the way I want. And I am learning that a hilarious proposal story is something I cherish even more than a perfect proposal story.

So fellas, don't stress too much. Of course you should put in a true effort to dazzle your soon-to-be-fiance. Just know that it will probably fall short in one aspect or another and that's alright. Ladies, you've dreamed of this moment longer than he's had to plan it in most cases. Cut your guy some slack and love him for him, no matter how perfect or perfectly awful this one moment in your history together unfolds. A great relationship isn't one wherein everything is perfect every time...a great relationship is one that handles gracefully the bumps along the way.

Murder & Weddings

What to do when horrific things happen on good days

This blog launched late in the evening of December 13. I thought it fitting, as December 13 is my parents' anniversary. I was pumped and ready to write and blog away, I wanted to tell everyone to check it out so I got online to announce that Dear Deon was officially up and running. It was the next morning, December 14, 2012 and all I saw were headlines that accosted my happy demeanor; I was left shaken and repulsed. I thought there was a mistake. Yes this world can be a terrifying place and yes bad things happen every day but a person wouldn't murder itty bitty children. Surely this was news from another corner of the world or the story had been blown out of proportion by the media, a person wouldn't walk into an elementary school and shoot children on purpose, with malicious intent. Right?

As we all know by now, the events that took place that Friday morning at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Connecticut were more horrifying and real than I have the desire to convey. As the mother of 3 school age children, I didn't know how to just post another happy-go-lucky entry about trivial wedding topics when that town, when this whole country, was mourning the loss of noble teachers and bright, beautiful lives cut devastatingly short by a senseless act of violence. All I could think about was the garages and closets where the parents of these children had carefully hidden their Christmas presents. What a painful reminder it must have been of the life that no longer existed in each home as the parents pulled those toys out and knew they would never be opened. These parents had been anticipating the joy on their young child's face when they saw the loot under their tree on Christmas morning. Instead of those anticipated shrieks of joy, they knew their precious little boy or girl spent their last moments on this earth surrounded by shrieks of terror and then was killed not for any cause or statement but for no good reason at all.

We have heard the best attributes of the cute little 6 and 7 year olds who used to be referred to as children but are now remembered as the victims. We have heard of the heroic efforts many brave teachers went to in order to save their students with no hope of preserving their own lives. We've heard emotional, inspiring statements from the bereaved parents. We've heard the debates on everything from gun-control to mental health issues taking up more airtime and print space than I can tolerate. My personal opinion is that no matter how great our efforts to prevent them are, bad things will still happen and unhappy people will still strive to make others miserable. It sucks.

I don't want to turn this post into another debate or outlet to sensationalize the tragedy of the shooting massacre at an elementary school. The reason I am writing about it is because another thought entered my mind as I heard the news of that December morning. It was a Friday and I couldn't help but think of all the weddings planned for that evening. While writing this, I can't help but recall September 11, 2001. It was a Tuesday and at my parents' catering and event hall, we had a wedding that morning and another in the evening. While a happy couple exchanged vows in our chapel, the staff watched the Twin Towers fall. Which prompts the question- what do you do when something so completely terrible, unfortunate and intensely affecting the mood of your guests happens on the day that is supposed to be delightful and festive and...yours?

There is no easy answer and there is no right answer. You have to handle your event your way. I do have a few thoughts and suggestions coming up, just in case you are stumped. After all, that's what Deon is here for! In most cases, the time and money invested leave you little choice and the wedding must go on. If your family was directly affected by the catastrophe, it may feel inappropriate to celebrate. The proper action to take would be to first consult with the party carrying the financial responsibility for your event to make sure they agree with or at least understand your desire to postpone. You should not expect to be refunded for anything when canceling within a week of your scheduled event. Hopefully, your vendors will be sympathetic and do what they can to cut your costs or put most of your budget towards the re-scheduled party. Keep in mind that this is someone's livelihood and last-minute cancellations cost them money too. The hall stands no chance of booking a new event for the same evening so the staff that was scheduled loses those hours and pay and the food and flowers have most likely been delivered and cannot be refunded. As I said, hopefully your vendors will work with you but have reasonable expectations and work with them too. Emotions tend to run high when the wonderful day you have put so much time and energy into is not going ahead as scheduled but it is not the fault of your vendors when your event is canceled.

For the receptions that must put on a brave face and party on regardless of the afflictions of this world, I say go ahead and be happy. No matter what happens on the day of your wedding, you have every right to celebrate your marriage! If you and your fiance feel that the outside world has no place in the sanctuary of your ceremony and reception, your wishes should be respected and the merriment should proceed as planned. I would suggest rather than trying to sweep the events of the day under the rug, to acknowledge the sad affair with a prayer or moment of silence for those affected. You may even want to set out a donation basket to give your guests a chance to do something to help the victims. Once everyone is given an opportunity to speak of the elephant in the room, it will disappear and your festivities will probably feel unconstrained and welcome to continue. Looking on the bright side- everyone will remember your anniversary so you should expect lots of happy returns and well wishes each year ;)

What's Your Song?

The First Dance...
On your wedding day, the song you first dance to as husband and wife says more about you than all the poems, readings and vows spoken just hours before. You are presenting yourselves as an official couple and setting the tone for your future together. Your first dance song can announce that you are a traditional couple, a quirky duo, a classic set, a modern team, or which one of you will be making all the major decisions from here on out!

How do you choose The Song for your first dance? Do you go with "your song" from your dating days? If you have a song from your dating days, is it one you can really dance to? I met my future husband in high school and the song we had declared as ours, Sister Hazel's "All for You" includes the lyrics, "It's hard to say what it is I see in you, wonder if I'll always be with you". Not exactly what you're going for on the day of uniting with your true love for eternity!

Do you go with a classic or does that feel too cliched and your friends will think you're lame? Because, lets be honest, we all like to judge the new couple based on their first dance song. If you pick a current song, will it feel dated in 5, 10, or 50 years? I remember hearing "True Companion" by Marc Cohn at every other wedding in the '90s. It is a great song with a nearly perfect wedding day sentiment but the part that always gave me the heebie-jeebies is, "Then I'll take you home, And with wild abandon, Make love to you just like a true companion". I could never dance with my guy to those words in front of my brothers, grandmothers, parents, etc.! The very act of throwing a wedding reception is already saying to the world, "Hey! I'm for sure going to have sex with this guy tonight!". We don't need to rub it in their faces any further, Mr. Cohn, thank you very much.  Do you even let your fiancé have a say? My fantastic husband's vote was for the song "Beautiful". Aaaww...Sounds like a wonderful choice, right? Oh, I forgot to tell you...this song is a Snoop Dogg jam.  Forget all the curse words and crude innuendos, here's a sampling of the lyrics that might be considered romantic- "Lil cutie, lookin like a student, Long hair witchya big fat bootie". Obviously the fiancé lost voting privileges right then and there.

So what did I do in the end? In the interest of moving on to the next wedding decision, I quickly chose a classic/cliche option:  "The Way You Look Tonight". We went with the fun Frank Sinatra version over the more traditionally chosen smooth and romantic Tony Bennett cover, in case that helps me look slightly less lame. Now that it is all said and done and years later, I'll bet my hubs can't even tell you which song we danced to on our wedding night. That's ok, now I have no guilt about not letting him help with that decision!...and he has his own special memories from that night, mostly involving the buffet table and a few that are, um, private ;). So tell me, what went into your first dance decision? Did you have the song picked out before the guy? Was it easy or a bride vs. groom battle?