Murder & Weddings

What to do when horrific things happen on good days

This blog launched late in the evening of December 13. I thought it fitting, as December 13 is my parents' anniversary. I was pumped and ready to write and blog away, I wanted to tell everyone to check it out so I got online to announce that Dear Deon was officially up and running. It was the next morning, December 14, 2012 and all I saw were headlines that accosted my happy demeanor; I was left shaken and repulsed. I thought there was a mistake. Yes this world can be a terrifying place and yes bad things happen every day but a person wouldn't murder itty bitty children. Surely this was news from another corner of the world or the story had been blown out of proportion by the media, a person wouldn't walk into an elementary school and shoot children on purpose, with malicious intent. Right?

As we all know by now, the events that took place that Friday morning at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Connecticut were more horrifying and real than I have the desire to convey. As the mother of 3 school age children, I didn't know how to just post another happy-go-lucky entry about trivial wedding topics when that town, when this whole country, was mourning the loss of noble teachers and bright, beautiful lives cut devastatingly short by a senseless act of violence. All I could think about was the garages and closets where the parents of these children had carefully hidden their Christmas presents. What a painful reminder it must have been of the life that no longer existed in each home as the parents pulled those toys out and knew they would never be opened. These parents had been anticipating the joy on their young child's face when they saw the loot under their tree on Christmas morning. Instead of those anticipated shrieks of joy, they knew their precious little boy or girl spent their last moments on this earth surrounded by shrieks of terror and then was killed not for any cause or statement but for no good reason at all.

We have heard the best attributes of the cute little 6 and 7 year olds who used to be referred to as children but are now remembered as the victims. We have heard of the heroic efforts many brave teachers went to in order to save their students with no hope of preserving their own lives. We've heard emotional, inspiring statements from the bereaved parents. We've heard the debates on everything from gun-control to mental health issues taking up more airtime and print space than I can tolerate. My personal opinion is that no matter how great our efforts to prevent them are, bad things will still happen and unhappy people will still strive to make others miserable. It sucks.

I don't want to turn this post into another debate or outlet to sensationalize the tragedy of the shooting massacre at an elementary school. The reason I am writing about it is because another thought entered my mind as I heard the news of that December morning. It was a Friday and I couldn't help but think of all the weddings planned for that evening. While writing this, I can't help but recall September 11, 2001. It was a Tuesday and at my parents' catering and event hall, we had a wedding that morning and another in the evening. While a happy couple exchanged vows in our chapel, the staff watched the Twin Towers fall. Which prompts the question- what do you do when something so completely terrible, unfortunate and intensely affecting the mood of your guests happens on the day that is supposed to be delightful and festive and...yours?

There is no easy answer and there is no right answer. You have to handle your event your way. I do have a few thoughts and suggestions coming up, just in case you are stumped. After all, that's what Deon is here for! In most cases, the time and money invested leave you little choice and the wedding must go on. If your family was directly affected by the catastrophe, it may feel inappropriate to celebrate. The proper action to take would be to first consult with the party carrying the financial responsibility for your event to make sure they agree with or at least understand your desire to postpone. You should not expect to be refunded for anything when canceling within a week of your scheduled event. Hopefully, your vendors will be sympathetic and do what they can to cut your costs or put most of your budget towards the re-scheduled party. Keep in mind that this is someone's livelihood and last-minute cancellations cost them money too. The hall stands no chance of booking a new event for the same evening so the staff that was scheduled loses those hours and pay and the food and flowers have most likely been delivered and cannot be refunded. As I said, hopefully your vendors will work with you but have reasonable expectations and work with them too. Emotions tend to run high when the wonderful day you have put so much time and energy into is not going ahead as scheduled but it is not the fault of your vendors when your event is canceled.

For the receptions that must put on a brave face and party on regardless of the afflictions of this world, I say go ahead and be happy. No matter what happens on the day of your wedding, you have every right to celebrate your marriage! If you and your fiance feel that the outside world has no place in the sanctuary of your ceremony and reception, your wishes should be respected and the merriment should proceed as planned. I would suggest rather than trying to sweep the events of the day under the rug, to acknowledge the sad affair with a prayer or moment of silence for those affected. You may even want to set out a donation basket to give your guests a chance to do something to help the victims. Once everyone is given an opportunity to speak of the elephant in the room, it will disappear and your festivities will probably feel unconstrained and welcome to continue. Looking on the bright side- everyone will remember your anniversary so you should expect lots of happy returns and well wishes each year ;)